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Writer's Block: Daydream believer

If you could choose to control your dreams, would you? If so, what would you dream about?

I have controlled my dreams before--but if I could control them all the time I'd dream about traveling and flying and sexy men. HAHA. XD I'd go on awesome adventures and ride on dragons and bring books to life in my head and meet my characters for real and--- essentially, I'd never want to wake up. HAHAH. XD

Writer's Block: Oh no not I

How do you recover from a bad break-up? The proverbial pint of ice cream? Quality time alone? Going out with friends? What are your personal healing strategies?

Well, I've never had a bad breakup. But usually when things get bad I just take time for myself, so I'm going to assume that's what I'd do in the case of a bad breakup.

In other news.

I can't live here either.

I'm getting really tired of being criticized and made to feel as if I'm not doing enough. Not only does it piss me off, but it makes me want to do even less.

Case and point: Today I started my period. As most people know, my period kicks my ass the first [and sometimes the second] day. Like seriously. I tore apart my room, but couldn't find my heating pad. I also couldn't find my meds that are specifically for my period since... normal medication DOES NOT WORK. So I took the day off.

Except not really. I still did the dishes [except for the greasy pan] and I still spackled the walls as much as I could stand... or, more like, for as long as I could actually stand. Then I came back downstairs and flopped on the couch and put my computer on my stomach and watched TV since I didn't have much else in me.

Then Laurie comes home and tells me to take in the groceries from the car, bring in the trash bin, and take the laundry down from the line before it rained. So I did. Silently. Because I was a little irritated at being told to do it and not asked; and especially annoyed because I wasn't even asked about my day or anything so I couldn't explain the period and the pain and the not feeling so great. But, whatever. I did it anyway.

THEN Laurie asks me about my day, and since I'm already a little annoyed, I say, "It was boring." And then said, "And I didn't do anything because I was on my period." I figure dishes and a little spackling doesn't count, so I didn't mention it.

And Laurie says, "Well, I'm not going to say much, but that's not going to cut it--"

EXCUSE ME. WHO has done dishes every day except the one when DJ did them since she got here? WHO has been taking care of the kitchen IN GENERAL and WHO has offered to help do the remodeling and painting and everything while you guys are at work? And WHO is basically here just cleaning the house while trying to look for a job so she can help out more before she goes to Italy? I think I deserve ONE BLOODY DAY.

She went on to say, "I have to go to work when on my period--"

And I'm thinking, That's great, I don't HAVE work, all I do is CLEAN THE HOUSE and it's not like I'm going to laze around the entire time I'm on my period, I'm just taking ONE DAY.

But I reply, "Yeah yeah."

And then she goes on to say, "You know, if you're not going to do things then there are other options--"

And what I'm getting from that is that I can either shape up or ship out; and to be honest, I think I might ship out. Why do I get shape up or ship out? Because I'm always getting the feeling that if I don't do house work or if I don't help with the house-remodeling I'm going to get kicked out for not contributing. And since I can't seem to find a job, I'm stuck doing house work, but apparently if I take even ONE day off because I know how I operate and if I DON'T take this day off then I know how it's going to affect me tomorrow [which is badly] that's enough to get me a warning to get kicked out. Whatever.

So I went up to my room and read books. I finished one and got halfway through The Glass Castle before Laurie and DJ went to bed. I didn't bother going down for dinner and I didn't bother going down when DJ got home because I felt like it wasn't worth it. I'm not eating the food cooked, either. I feel like if I don't contribute somehow I don't have any rights to anything. I'll do some work tomorrow, IF I feel like I can, and as soon as someone gets home I'm heading back upstairs to my room to start going through my stuff. As soon as I go through it, I'm packing it back up. I already know now that I'm not staying here. I can't take constant criticizing, and I won't.

I'll stay here until Italy, but after that I'm making my own place and starting my own life elsewhere. I doubt I'll come back.


So the problems with my personality, as told to me by other people and by hearing what other people have said about me, are:

Force rather than respect
Spoiled/Spotlight stealer

Anything else?

So these are the things that I have to work on in my personality. I don't like to see any of these things in other people, they irritated me. So clearly, I have to work on them so that when I look at other people I don't see the parts of myself that I hate in them.

I got so irritated last night because I was reading something about emotional abuse, and I'm always worried that I'm doing that to other people. I'm always really worried that I'm abusing someone emotionally, or mentally. Because I have a pretty good understanding of how people work, I'm usually really good at working things out to get what I want. And I'm worried that I'm doing it in a way that's not healthy. Not good for other people. I mean, I don't think I'm using guilt because I hate guilt myself (it really pisses me off when someone tries to guilt me, like beyond anything I've ever felt before), but I'm sure I'm doing something else.

I guess it's good to be looking out for it, right? If I keep an eye out for it, then I can become more understanding and more giving of others. If I'm more understanding and more giving, and I don't do anything selfish, and I keep an eye on other people but don't let them walk on me... maybe I'll be respected more.

I realized something that I've already know.

Respect. I need respect. I have to feel as if I'm respected or I get really upset. Like, when I'm here at Abby and PJ's house; I don't feel respected when I felt as if I was just the housekeeper. I felt like, all they used me for was cleaning. The funny thing is that I LIKE cleaning, but not when it turns into teh only thing I can do. I clean without being asked, because that's what makes me feel better. But as soon as I'm asked I get ruffled feathers because it puts me back in that same place I was as a kid. When I was being told to do dishes or laundry or whatever because that was all I was good for. If I'm going to clean, I'm going to clean. I don't need to be reminded. And it really has to do with the wording of it too.

"Don't forget to do the dishes!" really ticks me off. It's telling me what to do, it's telling me when to do them (pressure feels like DO THEM NOW BEFORE YOU FORGET).

"Hey, would you mind doing some dishes later?" is better. It doesn't put any pressure on me to do them RIGHT THEN (and if I don't have that pressure I'm more than likely to do them right then), and it's not an order.

"Can you do the dishes?" is alright, but feels like it's being pushed off on me.

I prefer no one saying anything at all. Maybe mentioning, "Man, those dishes need to get done, but I dun wanna do 'em." Then I feel like I'm helping. But if it's said over and over and over again, I know it's a ploy.

It all has to do with the wording. I hate feeling like I HAVE to do anything. If I'm free to do it whenever, I'm more than likely to do it sooner, on my own time.

Anyway. That's just one thing that bothers me. Never order me. Never guilt me. You'll get nothing but hell if you do. I'm not a servant, I'm not a slave, I'm a friend and a woman and I'm doing my best to figure out what I'm doing right now. If I don't want to do something, let me not do it.

Bah. That dishes stuff is old though. I started writing about it cos I feel like I should do the dishes here; but I gotta eat first.


I should go or something.

I'm still in an odd mood. I feel like my chest is shifted over a bit; not quite in the right spot. Until it settles back, it's best just to be safe around me. Sorry for inconveniencing you.
I'm so irritated it's not even funny.

Can people please just stop asking me questions? Just... stop asking me questions. I don't feel like talking about myself.

You know what also pisses me off, no one seems to know anything that I'm doing. Like, at all. NO ONE knew that I'm going abroad for a SEMESTER and that I STILL OWE ONE CLASS.... which is WHY I'm going abroad. No one apparently knows that I didn't feel like taking a summer course. Apparently no one knows that I'm doing archaeology, apparently no one knows that I'm going to Sicily for ONE SEMESTER. NEXT SEMESTER. ONLY NEXT SEMESTER.

Okay, so whatever. So I don't tell people things all the time. So I like keeping secrets. So I like keeping people blindfolded. SO IT'S APPARENTLY ALL MY FAULT. Whatever. Entierly my fault. Everything is always my fault. No one ever listens, because no one ever really cares about listening because everyone is always too busy thinking about themselves.


And I don't want to answer questions, and I don't feel like explaining, and I want to go to bed but PJ is still on the damn couch and I just want to go to sleep or watch Samurai Champloo but I can't because he's still down ehre and thinks there's something wrong BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT CAN'T YOU PLEASE JUST GO AWAY KTHNXBAI.

How polite of me to someone who's letting me stay in their home. I'm so irritated.

And then Matt got all mad at me because he's asking me all kinds of ridiculous questions and so I answered them irritated like and he asked 'are you okay' and I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK IF I'M OKAY.






I don't even konw why I'm so angry. I just am. I can't read my screen. The font is too small and my eyes are too tired and I'm too frustrated to care.

And I have problems.

APPARENTLY I'm trying to rule with fear instead of respect and my idea of respect has a bit of fear or something and I don't want to be like that but apparently I am which essentially means that I suck and I'm a horrible person and blahblabblah

and i was reading this thing about emotional abuse and I was like, "Oh this is interesting" and then I read more and I was like, "Well fuck. I'm in a bad mood" and all I want to do is cuddle and sulk BUT THERE'S NO ONE TO CUDDLE WITH AND IT MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED.

And then I worry that I'm really co-dependent because when I like someone I start to rely on them to make me smile and I shouldn't do that I hsould make my own self smile so...






So I got back to Maine... and I have a sinus headache, and I can feel the pressure in the bridge of my nose and my temples and I'm like... guuuuuuuh.... =.= I just wanna curl up and sleep.

I also really wanna cuddle. Damnit.

Once you start cuddling you don't wanna stop... however, I think I'm doing better being separated from Charisma. Call me silly, it's alright. I got attached and I'm okay with that. I should post the list that he made of why he likes me. :] One thing that makes me happy is: "You're cuddly. The perfect size. The small spoon." and it makes me feel okay with how little I am. And I don't mean little as in short, but little as in width-wise.

I saw a commercial today with girls about my size and I thought, 'well I guess they don't look that bad' and for the first time I kinda felt proud of my body. How's that for a first? I LIKED the way I looked.

Then I saw a picture of me laughing hysterically with Kubie singing to me in the bar and though, 'Damn, that's an ugly face' HAHA. XD I guess we can't win them all.

And then Abby goes and says that I make squeaky noises when I sleep. >///>; Whoops. I didn't realize that. Oh well, apparently they're cute or something? Otherwise she'd have mentioned they were annoying. XD; I think.

*flop* Can I has a sexy man that wants to cuddle and who sets my skin on fire when he touches? Or someone who at least makes me melt a little when he touches me? That would be nice. The kind of melting that makes you comfortable and relaxed around them, not helpless, just relaxed and comfortable. I like that feeling. Not too gentle, but not rough. A good, firm touch. *cough*Krm*cough* Sorry. Like I said, once you start cuddling you can't stop.

I'm using Google Chrome. It's different. I like Firefox better, but it keeps messing up. >_>;

And... headache. x_x Tired...

Should go up to bed.


Writer's Block: Old enough!?!

What do you think the lower age limit should be for LiveJournal and other social networks, and why?

To be honest, it should be something like 14-15. Maybe not for livejournal, but for things like Myspace and Facebook--which are open to the WHOLE WORLD--they should wait until these kids are old enough to at least care that they're broadcasting themselves. Old enough to understand the dangers of it.

In other news... guess who's technically a graduate? :D That's right, Crimson is technically a graduate. Or technically not. Take your pick. XD I walked in graduation, but I have ONE MORE CLASS to take before it's over. And I'm takin' that class over in Sicily! :D Yay!

I'm SO using my Mafia class for that credit. >3

And I'm really going to miss a lot of people who I met at college. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!! I'll visit, for sure. :]


Still lost. :/


I'm alive.

I hear that's a good thing.

Writer's Block: Talk to the animals

What would you do if your pet dog or cat suddenly started to talk to you, but nobody else could hear it? Would you assume you'd gone mad or simply be happy for the company? Would you try to convince your friends and family or would you be satisfied keeping it to yourself?

... :D That would make me so happy. I would have wonderful conversations with my pet mice and they would always remind me on how to take care of them. XD

No madness here. Just pure joy to be able to talk to the pet. :D

Writer's Block: Back to the future

If you were 12 and could see yourself now, do you think you'd be happy or disappointed, and why?

I think I'd be happy. I don't think I had enough confidence in myself when I was younger, so seeing myself in college, graduating, going off to Sicily in the fall... I'd be amazed that I was able to get that far.

I think I'd be a little disappointed that I don't have a boyfriend though. Or maybe I'd think that was pretty darn cool and brave of me. Who knows?

In other news:

When you're trying to track someone down and they keep coming up with reasons to NOT talk with you, it's a good hint that they don't want to hear what you have to say. :/

Either way, I know what I'm going to have to tell Rocky. It's going to be bad for one of us either way, and I prefer to get it all off my chest before things get more complicated. No complication necessary. I'm just going to stay single. The end. It's not like a guy has ever liked me first or anything, and I think, for once, that's what I'd like. Someone to have enough damn confidence to actually come up to me and say, "Hey. I like you." But no one ever will, because I'm a bloody ice princess and I put off the vibe that I'll eat their face if they try. So you know what? That's what I'll be.

Until someone else has the confidence to approach me, I'm done. Again. [I say this every time, you know, and then I turn around and back out of it.]

And NO. It's NOT God, a special spirit, or anything else trying to 'tell me' something. It's the other person indicating that they don't have that same interest and yes, it hurts. So don't go telling me that God is telling me he's a bad person because GOD has nothing to do with it.

Yes. That REALLY irritated me.